Chapter IX: Do You Think Suicide is EASY????

Having a suicidal thought, is very easy.. when you're down, depressed, or sometimes when you are hallucinating, hearing voices in your head telling you to kill yourself, and you'll reborn into a brand new person.. hoho!~ ok, that's what some people think of it.. but in reality, suicidal ACTION is, urmm, tremendously horrifying and so painful that you'll shout and scream and whatever in, of course, painful regrets..

Here are some things that could enlighten you regarding some of the suicidal actions that people might want to do.. -the fact behind suicide..~-

1. Try to cut your wrist and you'll bleed to death in smile...
Well, cutting your wrist won't the much.. in fact, when you cut your wrist, the first thing you'll find is the vein, then the artery.. what if you missed the artery??? the vein won't really caused you a lot of trouble because the blood won't be splashing and purging out like nobody's business.. and, IF you hit the artery, your blood will be splashing all over the places, WHILE you are STILL conscious.. you'll feel the pain that you never ever could imagine, because, hello - you ARE conscious.. at that moment probably all the bad things happened that make you down will play like a titanic movie in your head..
and because you lost a lot of blood, you'll started to feel lightheadedness and bam - you'll blacked out... OR if you are someone who are not good with blood, the first moment you see your own blood like a fountain from your own wrist - you'll go to sleep first..
Basically, this loss of blood won't give you a lot of trouble until you're dead.. but it depends... if you are lucky enough to have good hematological system, good platelet count and everything, you'll probably survive.. but if your blood is not good - better chance to end your life..
anyway, say, IF you are not lucky enough to be dead, and GOD wants to give you longer time to live, you'll wake up thinking you're in heaven... very bright, everything is white.. but when you see the partition, it will have different colours.. like my ward, the partition is green.. hell yeah, you are certainly NOT in heaven.. you and your ass are in the hospital!~and once you realize it, you'll feel rush of pain through your hands, and of course, if you are not lucky enough, you wont feel your hands at all, may be forever!~
you'll stay in hospital, police will come and ask you questions, and of course, you'll be referred to the shrink... and sometimes, you'll live in psychiatric ward.. hmmm... not good.. then people will look at you with mixed feelings, which sympathy is not part of the feelings they are feeling..
lastly, the recovery will be more hmmm... boring and painful... you'll need physiotherapist, occupational therapist, continuous meeting with psychiatrist.. and so on... and the scar which will remind you how stupid you were that time..

2. Hang yourself to death~
well, hanging yourself doesn't guarantee you any death.. here are the possibilities..
Possibility 1: you hang yourself, and it the rope went off
hmm.. you'll fall.. and ouch, it will hurt.. especially when the rope already snap your throat for quite sometimes and unfortunately, you fell.. hoho!~ that will hurt..
Possibility 2: you hang yourself, but the momentum isn't enough to snap your throat at 1 go.. hoho!~ (why am i laughing>??) anyway, the situation is like this - you successfully hang yourself, but it is not strong enough to make the make your cervical bone torn apart.. so, instead of going straight to hell, you might end up in hospital, most probably orthopedic ward or icu under orthopedic discipline.. you might miss the 1st and 2nd cervical, and instead, you crashed your 2nd and 3rd cervical, which could result in you to be paralyzed from neck to leg.. you will be bedridden your whole life, and you'll develop pressure sores at your back, and sometimes anywhere it want to be, and you'll be fed through tube, and you can't do anything!!~~ and perhaps, a machine is needed to help you breath!~ and you think you want to live again?? how would you want to do another suicide? you can;t even help yourself!!!!

3. Ingesting poisons/medications i.e paraquat, or panadol or whatever
hmm.. this one also will cause you pain!!!~~ pain that only you yourself will feel... you'll be crying and screaming for somebody to help you because the antidote they are giving, will make you puke like you want to puke out your intestines to your mouth!~ just imagine, when your stomach is empty, and you try to vomit.. it is so painful that you can never stand the spasms of your stomach and intestines.. and you have to drink CHARCOAL to clear out the toxic in your body.. can you imagine drinking the deep black charcoal???? ewwww....

well, there's a lot more to say about suicide and the consequences that you will face if you try something suicidal.. that is why i strongly believe in mental health.. everybody needs to know about mental health, and everybody should understand their own degree of health.. in overseas, we started to see that people already have their own shrink, and they goes to their shrink to tell anything and their problems.. but here in our country, mental health is still conservative and not really popular as stigmatization is still widely embedded in our fellow countrymen mind..
one article/research that i read (and i'm very sorry i forgot where i read it and who wrote it) stated that those living in developing countries and developed countries are very prone to have deteriorating mental health.. and, don't forget that our country is in that category...

and i truly believe that they are no one religion in this whole wide world who allow their believers to do suicide.. none... if GOD wants to take your life, HE will do it on HIS will, HIS decree, HIS time.. no matter how hard you try to kill yourself, if HE say not your time, you won't die.. seriously, no death is easy. even the Prophet Muhammad, who Allah have given Him the privilege of the most unpainful death anyone could never have, cried during the angels pull away his soul from his body and the Prophet could not imagine how will his ummat survive the painful death..

okay.. back to the story.. i feel like i want to have my own shrink.. to be able to tell anything and everything.. i think i found 1, but i dont know if he would like to be my shrink... but he's the only one i can think of.. hmm.. maybe i'll ask him one day if he would like to be my shrink.. hehehe..

anyway, don't think of suicide.. because if you fail, you'll definitely going to give problems troubles to a lot of people - primarily the nurses (ehem2... this is the point of the whole story.. hoho), the doctors ( not so much of the doctors actually), the patients near you (because they will have to listen to the sound of your puke, and scream of pain, and whatever), and your family.. (if your family still care about you, they'll be with you and gives you support, but what if your family abandon you?? you'll end up with another psychiatric problem..)

and I apologize to my mental health lecturer - Mr, Utharas for using the word 'psychiatric'.. heee...

anyway.. please.. have a healthy state of mind ya'll!~

:)

Chapter VIII : Hot!!~~ I CANT SLEEP!!~~~

after my last post, i am so not updating my life.. hoho!~

life here, as always.. nothing too entertaining except if you go out and entertain yourself...

when you live alone ( + the fact that your age is 'THE' age), you'll always feel like you wanna start your life by living with someone of your opposite sex so bad.. just to ease the 'loneliness' you're feeling.. it's true, but somehow it is only true to the extend of how sincere you are, right???

no doubt that you'll dream of life with someone of your opposite sex and picturing yourself doing everything together and bla bla bla.. but life will not always go as we like... so, whatever it is, all you need to do is to convince yourself that that time will surely come.. PATIENCE...

i'm saying so because, obviously i am feeling that way.. sometimes this loneliness makes you stress without you even knowing it.. you'll feel like it's your work, but when you think again with a clear mind, it's not the work that gives you all the stress.. sometimes it's when you are NOT working, that gives you all that crappy feeling inside..

this is also true IF you are so used to a situation where you always have friends and your boy/girlfriend around you at all time.. or perhaps, whenever you need them/him/her. so whenever this kind of feelings getting into my head, i'll start my kembara and go somewhere - restaurant, tesco, giant, or wherever that have air-condition in it.. to cool me down.. hoho!~

you can't rush something very important rite.. rushing can give you the best thing of your life, or the worst thing of your life.. even if life is a gamble, but you can't always gamble with rush unless you are trained to do it and you've live with it... but for thing that you wish to do only once in your life, you don't need to rush, rite.. when the time comes, just make sure you'll smile till your whole face lifted as if your using botox.. hehehe....

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taiping is VERY hot!!~~~ hoh!~
this is my 3rd time having my shower because i can't sleep extra hours!!~~~~
GOD!!~~
I'll be starting night shift tonight, and I don't think i have enough sleep!!~~~
this last few days, patients overflowed in the ward like nobody business.. casualty can't help their fingers but to continue dialing my ward number to admit cases.. *duh*
we had 5 extension beds, and the hallway was 'decorated' with patients... this obviously have violated Nightingale's nursing theory!!~~ Patient did not have good ventilation, bad bed and bedding, and so on.. I really pity the patient who had to be in the extension bed.. no locker, no drip stand, no proper bed, no FAN!!~~~

and 2 days in a row, we were busy with CPR... the first one was on last sunday, when i was in charge of medication, i have to check patient's blood glucose, and this patient was already asystole!!!~~~ by the look of the limbs - which have already cyanosed, i am very sure that the patient had been dead for few minutes before someone actually realized that she's already dead!!~~ it was the ventilator that keeps her breathing without pulse.. damn who shut the cardiac monitor!!!~~~~ so, cpr- done.. but i already know that she could not be saved... -al-fatihah-

the next day, i didn't exactly know what was happening because i have to escort patient to hospital seberang jaya to do an urgent ct angiogram.. when i get back, the HO told me that he had to defib a patient because she went into pulseless VT!~ ergghhhh!!~~ i wish i was there.. hoho!~~~ but luckily patient was ok.. but i don't have any idea how was she doing after that.. but she had good prognosis...

then i was on holiday, which was yesterday... i was suppose to stay the whole night - as my training before i'm going to night shift tonight.. but i failed.. nothing to stay me awake.. i didn't go to popular to search for any novel... i finished every novel that i have here.. adoi!!~~ so i slept at around 1 am... then woke up at 6 am for my subuh.. and i could not sleep!!!~~~~ arrrghhhh!!!!~~~

i tried to sleep again at around 11 am, hoping that i'll wake up at 4/5pm.. but the moment i woke up, it was only 1230??? WTH??????!!!!~~~ and so the weather is hot!!~~ and i'm sweating and i could not go back to sleep.. errgghhh.... i went to giant, and came back to hostel and had my shower and yeah, still cant sleep (i'm blogging instead)!~

i'll try to sleep right after i finish this..hoping that i can sleep a little longer - enough to give me energy through the nite... i am also hoping and praying that the ward would not be 'partying' busy.. huhu... but whatever it is, i have to go through with it.. i have no choice for the time being.. huhu....

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and i'm so much in love...

:p

Chapter VII: not the best days..

the past few days, i felt an enormous emptiness surrounds me...
in fact, yeah.. until today..

:(

i feel pathetically hopeless...

no one i can turn to..

am i that bad???

but why??

my smiles are fake...

my laugh are even like completely fake...

i dont feel good...

:(

i feel like cursing - of course to myself - but i wanted to curse it out loud...

but it seems like it stuck in my head... which, giving me a hell of headache..

i hate the silence...

the quiet scares me cuz it screams the truth....

i tried to say something..

but in turn,

it still silence...

maybe silence is the answer..

so silence, i shall be...


:(

:(

:(

or perhaps...

i'm not good enough...

they said..

shoot for the moon, if u fail, u'll land among stars...

but i still hit the ground.. hard..

and it's awfully painful...

and i have to bear it all by myself..

in this stupid place..