Chapter ## : Updates..

ahh... it's been a long long long time since i update my blog.. nothing to confess actually.. time seems to go by really fast that sometimes i really feel like i have to stop the time in order to catch my another breath..

currently, I'm in Labuan.. yep, on holiday (which actually suck a little bit because of my personal confrontation) for about 10 days.. i've been here since last thursday, 10th june.. but this is only my 3rd day at home.. thursday morning, i finished my night shift and took the train to kl at 0930.. train arrived taiping station around 1000hrs and arrived in KL sentral at around 1530hrs.. had my lunch at foodcourt and bought some famous amos' chocolate chip pecan nut and continue my journey to KLIA via klia express.. and my flight is at 1845.. 2130, i'm in labuan already.. what a long journey from taiping to my own hometown.. hoh!~

the next day, i went to kk for holiday, and back to labuan on Sunday evening around 2230hrs.. had a rest for 1 day, then i went to brunei by ferry to have some dimsum and good food there.. dim sum was soooooo yummy and of course, the famous 'nasi katok' which only costs $1 to relieve the hunger in you. i slept at my cousin's place and really enjoyed his lovely daughter who kept us entertain with her own world..

i went back to labuan the next day and that night (which is actually last night), my sister told me that it is compulsory for us to go to my aunt's for my cousin's 'majlis berinai kecil-kecilan'. my cousin is getting married this friday and saturday.. heard that his wedding is like a grand wedding.. will update on that later, but no promise.. it turns out that it was not a majlis berinai, but it was a 'majlis berbedak' where relatives get to 'membedak' the groom (and since the bride-to-be was also there, include the bride then).. i get to 'membedak' my cousin (whom known as boboy since his birth took place).. the bedak is actually the lulur where those who wanted to get married used to do this to 'naikkan seri pengantin'.. it's in our tradition, but not my great concern.. heee... i get the chance to put the 'bedak' on boboy's face like a paintball.. hahaha.. gotcha boy!~

my work as a nurse getting better everyday i guess, and i hope it will be like that always.. my ward now have no isolation room and no first class - taken by the ICU.. so my ward is an open ward with 4 extension bed - and if there is an overflow of admission to my ward, we'll have more extension beds.. extended beds gave me big headache.. and it surely violates nightingale's principle of nursing of ventilation..

put aside the story of the ward, cuz i am already immune to this things already.. lets talk about my job as a u41 nurse.. u41 nurse still is not widely recognized in my beloved country, which makes me feels that i want to get out of this place a.s.a.p and work in a place that actually accept us with what we have.. but yeah, the more you run, the more problems you will create.. i just can't understand why such things happens.. from source that i trust, in a meeting with these matrons, some of them said they are actually threaten by us that one day we will take over their place.. like duh!!~~ isn't that a really childish, immature and damn lousy thinking that they actually possess and that sucks thoughts came from someone who is actually a matron????? either you get your status by cable or you actually don't really deserve being a matron but there is no one else can be so you have to be in reluctant, you still sux!~ what is wrong by possessing a degree in your hand and you are paid with what you are supposed to get? do you actually think we wanted to have your seat when we are just starting to get some experience in our own work?

so, what should we do?

i realized that not all of my friends having this kind of trouble, but trouble seems to be everywhere.. there are matrons and nurses who supported us, but there are matrons and nurses who still condemning us for what we are supposed to have.. why was that??? it seems like they do not want this profession to move forward and achieve full professional status like other country already had.. what the hell happened to my fellow malaysian???? is the orthodox thinking will be with them till they die??? or in other words, do we need to wait until the day u die than you will understand? sometimes, i felt very sad and very mad with those who are not supporting us, but when i think it over and over again, i can't go on carrying this feeling.. feeling of a loser, cuz i am not a loser.. i have to build my strength everyday before i go to work, pretending everything will be okay.. but what about my friends? my juniors who will be with us in nick of time? will they be as strong as me and my other friends? 3 years and a half not seem to be that long to me..

great.. that's all bout my job..

i did mention regarding my personal confrontation before, right.. yeah, i do have personal conflict right now.. i don't know whose to be blame, but it's just what i felt inside - i mean - deep in my heart.. sometimes i felt that i did a lot to please people, but in the end, i did not get the same pleasure of pleasing people.. i hate silence cuz like what pink said, silence will kill you, and yes, silence killing me.. i have a mental disorder called paranoid and yeah i admit that.. i have bad thoughts all over me when my life is covered with silence., that's why, i am loud, because my loudness saves me from committing suicide. my bad thoughts will linger in my head..

i am a person with a very big ego labeled above my head.. but i have been keeping aside my ego for such a long time considering that my love will banish my ego just like that.. but i keep on getting and have to handle people's egoistic a lot more every single day.. is it my fault again??

i'm just a lady, and a lady needs attention and affection... oh yeah, i'm not like other lady, so i dont deserve that. thanks.

hmm... :(