Right now, I'm lying on my bed, thinking of mostly everything about my life.. From I was a little girl until now.. The only thing that I can recall the most is about me breaking the rules just to get a taste of something that I never think of the consequences. Until I get a taste of my own 'tebiat', then as I grow older, I'll think mostly 2 or 3 steps ahead. I will always think of the consequences of my actions. I don't know, maybe God give me some good sense of feelings towards something. Sometimes, I am certainly, absolutely, and 100% sure with my thoughts, but sometimes, it's a blurry vision, which means, I have to try it to know for sure. Not saying that I have any special abilities or abilities to do premonitions or whatsoever, it's just feelings. People will say I'm very defensive, people will also say I'm very stubborn, or anything pertaining to it, but I could say no more. It's a feeling inside of me that keeps me moving everyday.
No songs for this posts because I have no songs in my head right now. So, if you feel a bit of silence, you can start your own media player or you can sing by yourself!~ ;p
I've mentioned in previous posts on how I love my job so much when it is full of adrenaline. But sadly, you wont be able to taste it everyday. Not everyday you'll have very ill and most likely to face death patient, right. So what will I do to keep myself moving everyday. I would be lying I tell you that I am always highly motivated when it comes to work. I admit, at times I feel very lazy to go out to work. It's not a patient-factor thingie, it something to do with the workload (again) and how you, as a nurse been poorly treated in our country. But because I've been into this field, and I chose to be one (which I thought I am destined to) and because I am trained that whatever I do, my 'niat' is because of Allah, and I am working for the patient's sake and thus, I am looking for something in return which is priceless to human being and only God is able to give me my prize...
So, sometimes, I withdrew blood from certain patients which has easy access. The other day, I took ABG or the arterial blood gases.. heee... I'm not so sure whether as a nurse in Malaysia, one is allowed to do so, but do I look like I care, right?? hee.. I've always wanted to try one. I've assisted few ABG by looking for the strongest pulse, and usually it work.. So this time, let me do one!~ Alhamdulillah, it worked!~ If ever I have the chance to do it again, then I'll definitely would try it again!~
I am still trying my very hard to manage the ward. It is so complicated sometimes with all the tickets, films, results, and everything which involve paper!~ seriously, I am not good with handling papers. Everything needs papers and management is like hell in this ward. Tendency of missing papers, films and forgetting to update this and that, especially patients appointments especially special imaging appointment is high!~ In ward management is one part of it, and upon discharge, they still have plans for those patients!~ and yes, you need to manage it as well. This is where the trickiest part comes.
If the plan is TCA n/c - then you need the opd letter to give to the patient and ask them to bring to the nearest clinic for the next follow up.
If the plan is TCA d/c - you need to set up date for this patient to come for DAYCARE follow up in our ward every Tuesday, depends on the date of appointment with certain things to review
If the plan is TCA MOPD / SOPD - then, you need to find out patient's problem, and find out the date for patients to go to clinic to see dr. I hate to do this because you need to despatch the opd card to the clinic, or whatever it is. This 2 places always gives troubles to us. What's the trouble??? Unspeakeable!~ HOh!~
Apart from the tca, drs will always wrote to review whatever they wanted to review, sometimes imaging, reporting, blood investigation, etc.. these documents are the ones that easily gone missing!~ I still cannot think on how I can help this ward to improve and become organized. As I said, I am not good with papers!~ These papers gives me real headache!~ If it is all computerized, I can easily sort it out, put it in designated folders and with that, I can easily find it back!~ Papers are only good for me in doing notes!~ That's all. How I wish to work in places that is not as complicated as this! Is this how a 'Hospital dengan Pakar' look like??? Nahh.. I dont think so right!~
Tomorrow will be my night shift, again. I've requested earlier cycle of night shift, because I've bought ticket to go back home after my night shift. And being granted. Thank you sister.
Life will not get easier everyday. It is full of ups and downs, and the only thing you can do is be strong!~
I am strong!~ Yeah!~
Friday, 20 August 2010
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
Chapter ## : Updating Myself
My entry this time is basically about glimpse of my life.. So the song would be a little bit sentimental.. Adapted from someone who really likes to listen to this song.. heee... \
* Click Play*
*Life*
my life has not change much lately. Going to work, going to bed, going around this small town.. just like that. I recently have rented a house outside with Linda.. Which makes my life a little bit different than usual.. No more hostel feelings.. but somehow, this house still in a big mess... i only manage to tidy up my room a little bit here and there because i seriously have no time to tidy up the whole house.
I've painted my room in lime green colour.. huhu.. fix my own wall fan... well.. just a simple job to do with the house.. not so hard for me.. i love hardcore!~ hoho!~ whatever...
Ramadan is here, and we are fasting again.. Alhamdulillah, the weather here is just nice.. rain in the afternoon, and sometimes it will be raining cats and dogs until the evening, which makes me not so tiring and not so dehydrated. I tend to get dehydrated easily lately. I'm not so sure why, but yeah, so far, I still can cope with it. The only problem is my lips become dry and chapped. And sometimes, it really hurts.. huhu..
Moving to my new house, means i can already cook anything I want. Yeah!~ I've cooked some dishes for buka puasa (or we called it as sungkai as well, obviously not in Peninsular) and I felt great eating those dishes.. The only thing is, it's just me, eating alone.. But itsok, one day, I will not be eating alone anymore.. But when that one day will be hoh???
*Work*
It's already been 7 months now after my official appointment as a nurse. Workload, hmm.. only God knows.. maybe because it's a government hospital, so this is what you need to be prepared of. Workload never decreases.. It will increase over time, and as medical breakthrough becomes more challenging everyday, so will the workload of a staff nurse. People might not realizing this, but everything will involve the staff nurses, whether you like it or not.
Some of them still thinks that we are just another person that people around you can just point and give out order. But it seriously doesn't work with me. I reason with everybody and I challenge myself to reason for every single thing that I thought need to be reason. For things that I already know that I have to do, or logically I need to do.. I'll try to do it.. Sometimes, it's not that I don't want to do something, or delay it, but seriously, I can work up to 8 hours without even having a 2 minutes break. One day, you can see my popliteal veins coming out from miles away when I'm wearing a mini skirt above my knees.
But what I really cannot understand is, why do this people who are sitting higher than everyone else just could not accept the fact that workload of a staff nurse nowadays are ridiculously impossible? You can't even mention about shortage of nurses.. like duh.. it's a global issue for heaven's sake.. Are you seriously does not even updating your worldwide nurses issues?????
Whatever it is, I am planning NOT to stay in this hospital for a long time... I have my plan already... but only God's willing, it will come true.. but I'm praying hard for it.. huhu..
*Love*
Nothing much to say.. In love with him every single day.. : )
* Click Play*
*Life*
my life has not change much lately. Going to work, going to bed, going around this small town.. just like that. I recently have rented a house outside with Linda.. Which makes my life a little bit different than usual.. No more hostel feelings.. but somehow, this house still in a big mess... i only manage to tidy up my room a little bit here and there because i seriously have no time to tidy up the whole house.
I've painted my room in lime green colour.. huhu.. fix my own wall fan... well.. just a simple job to do with the house.. not so hard for me.. i love hardcore!~ hoho!~ whatever...
Ramadan is here, and we are fasting again.. Alhamdulillah, the weather here is just nice.. rain in the afternoon, and sometimes it will be raining cats and dogs until the evening, which makes me not so tiring and not so dehydrated. I tend to get dehydrated easily lately. I'm not so sure why, but yeah, so far, I still can cope with it. The only problem is my lips become dry and chapped. And sometimes, it really hurts.. huhu..
Moving to my new house, means i can already cook anything I want. Yeah!~ I've cooked some dishes for buka puasa (or we called it as sungkai as well, obviously not in Peninsular) and I felt great eating those dishes.. The only thing is, it's just me, eating alone.. But itsok, one day, I will not be eating alone anymore.. But when that one day will be hoh???
*Work*
It's already been 7 months now after my official appointment as a nurse. Workload, hmm.. only God knows.. maybe because it's a government hospital, so this is what you need to be prepared of. Workload never decreases.. It will increase over time, and as medical breakthrough becomes more challenging everyday, so will the workload of a staff nurse. People might not realizing this, but everything will involve the staff nurses, whether you like it or not.
Some of them still thinks that we are just another person that people around you can just point and give out order. But it seriously doesn't work with me. I reason with everybody and I challenge myself to reason for every single thing that I thought need to be reason. For things that I already know that I have to do, or logically I need to do.. I'll try to do it.. Sometimes, it's not that I don't want to do something, or delay it, but seriously, I can work up to 8 hours without even having a 2 minutes break. One day, you can see my popliteal veins coming out from miles away when I'm wearing a mini skirt above my knees.
But what I really cannot understand is, why do this people who are sitting higher than everyone else just could not accept the fact that workload of a staff nurse nowadays are ridiculously impossible? You can't even mention about shortage of nurses.. like duh.. it's a global issue for heaven's sake.. Are you seriously does not even updating your worldwide nurses issues?????
Whatever it is, I am planning NOT to stay in this hospital for a long time... I have my plan already... but only God's willing, it will come true.. but I'm praying hard for it.. huhu..
*Love*
Nothing much to say.. In love with him every single day.. : )
Sunday, 4 July 2010
Chapter ## : A story after Night Shift
First: Click on the Media Player below..
Second : Continue Reading.. heee..
I finished my night shift this morning.. And last night was my first time writing death report of a patient.. Sort of mortality report..
She was a 30-year old woman, married.. First admission to ICU because of deteriorating GCS.. then she went to Hospital Raja Permaisuri Bainun to do MRI.. then readmitted to my ward.. on ventilator support via tracheostomy (in view of prolong intubation in previous ICU). Patient also developed MRSA as well as MRO during hospitalization. She was admitted to my ward because there was no bed available in ICU.. She was diagnosed as meningoencephalitis. they said she was conscious but still on ventilator support. She had skin breakdown at scalp - most probably due to prolonged bed-bound.. and stage 4 sacral sore.. which need to be debrided, and been debrided but not so much of a healing.. she was put on adrenaline due to decreasing blood pressure, but then bp not so much a problem for her after adrenaline.
Few days before, she had blood-stained and sometimes fresh blood on secretion via trachy, oral, and nasal. Hb became lower and lower. She received 4 pints of packed-cells. last hb was only 9.2. because of bleeding retrieved from suction, trachy was removed and ETT reinserted by GA. There was actually lots of bleeding from the site.
My first night shift, at around 5am, when i wanted to do suction, her SPO2 (oxygen saturation) decreased until 34%. I have to bag her to ensure nothing's wrong.. then the anesthetist adjusted her ventilator.. okla.. but no improvement on her secretion.
My third night - after taking her report, and the bed after hers, my colleague said she was bleeding from the tracheostomy wound.. so we attended her and bag her together with my HO and ICU's MO. everyone was concentrating on her pulmonary part.. I have a feeling that she's into asystole already. once we attached the cardiac monitoring - its true - asystole.. terus melompat MO tu buat cpr.. huhu.. skali ngn HO aku.. heee... aku pulak bagging la ngn my colleague doing the suctioning.. 3 rounds of adrenaline and atropine given, but yeah, it's her time to go..
thus, officially, my first death report in my career.. huu...
anyway, as usual, I love it when my job is filled with adrenaline at times (of course, not at all time.. )huhu...
*********************************************************************************
Second : Continue Reading.. heee..
I finished my night shift this morning.. And last night was my first time writing death report of a patient.. Sort of mortality report..
She was a 30-year old woman, married.. First admission to ICU because of deteriorating GCS.. then she went to Hospital Raja Permaisuri Bainun to do MRI.. then readmitted to my ward.. on ventilator support via tracheostomy (in view of prolong intubation in previous ICU). Patient also developed MRSA as well as MRO during hospitalization. She was admitted to my ward because there was no bed available in ICU.. She was diagnosed as meningoencephalitis. they said she was conscious but still on ventilator support. She had skin breakdown at scalp - most probably due to prolonged bed-bound.. and stage 4 sacral sore.. which need to be debrided, and been debrided but not so much of a healing.. she was put on adrenaline due to decreasing blood pressure, but then bp not so much a problem for her after adrenaline.
Few days before, she had blood-stained and sometimes fresh blood on secretion via trachy, oral, and nasal. Hb became lower and lower. She received 4 pints of packed-cells. last hb was only 9.2. because of bleeding retrieved from suction, trachy was removed and ETT reinserted by GA. There was actually lots of bleeding from the site.
My first night shift, at around 5am, when i wanted to do suction, her SPO2 (oxygen saturation) decreased until 34%. I have to bag her to ensure nothing's wrong.. then the anesthetist adjusted her ventilator.. okla.. but no improvement on her secretion.
My third night - after taking her report, and the bed after hers, my colleague said she was bleeding from the tracheostomy wound.. so we attended her and bag her together with my HO and ICU's MO. everyone was concentrating on her pulmonary part.. I have a feeling that she's into asystole already. once we attached the cardiac monitoring - its true - asystole.. terus melompat MO tu buat cpr.. huhu.. skali ngn HO aku.. heee... aku pulak bagging la ngn my colleague doing the suctioning.. 3 rounds of adrenaline and atropine given, but yeah, it's her time to go..
thus, officially, my first death report in my career.. huu...
anyway, as usual, I love it when my job is filled with adrenaline at times (of course, not at all time.. )huhu...
*********************************************************************************
Friday, 25 June 2010
Chapter ##: Let's Sing Together
Never Knew I Needed (Ne Yo, 2010)
"Especially Dedicated to My H.H, Love You.."
for the way you changed my plans ;
for being the perfect distraction ;
for the way you took the idea that i have;
of everything that i wanted to have ;
and made me see there was something missing ;
for the ending of my first begin ;
and for the rare and unexpected friend ;
for the way you're something that i never choose ;
but at the same time something i don't wanna lose ;
and never wanna be without ever again
you're the best thing i never knew i needed
so when you were here i had no idea
you're the best thing i never knew i needed
so now it's so clear i need you here always
my accidental happily (ever after)
the way you smile and how you comfort me (with your laughter)
i must admit you were not a part of my book
but now if you open it up and take a look
you're the beginning and the end of every chapter
you're the best thing i never knew i needed
so when you were here i had no idea
you're the best thing i never knew i needed (that i needed)
so now it's so clear i need you here always
who knew that I could be here
so unexpectedly
undeniablely happy
said with you right here, right here next to me
:)
"Especially Dedicated to My H.H, Love You.."
for the way you changed my plans ;
for being the perfect distraction ;
for the way you took the idea that i have;
of everything that i wanted to have ;
and made me see there was something missing ;
for the ending of my first begin ;
and for the rare and unexpected friend ;
for the way you're something that i never choose ;
but at the same time something i don't wanna lose ;
and never wanna be without ever again
you're the best thing i never knew i needed
so when you were here i had no idea
you're the best thing i never knew i needed
so now it's so clear i need you here always
my accidental happily (ever after)
the way you smile and how you comfort me (with your laughter)
i must admit you were not a part of my book
but now if you open it up and take a look
you're the beginning and the end of every chapter
you're the best thing i never knew i needed
so when you were here i had no idea
you're the best thing i never knew i needed (that i needed)
so now it's so clear i need you here always
who knew that I could be here
so unexpectedly
undeniablely happy
said with you right here, right here next to me
:)
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
Chapter ## : Back to Taiping and Hospital...
Haaaa....
Today, I started back to work in my lovely ward.. Condition - same, except for some extra decorations here and there made by my new Sister. Not so hard to catch up with the ward even after 12 days of off days.. huhu.. Yeah, I'm that good.. hahaha.. (wth right? huhu)
Next month, few of our staff will not be able to be in the ward.. 2 of them expected to deliver a baby.. and my mentor is going to go for Gerontology post-basic - which left me no mentor in the ward.. maybe sister will replace her and give me new mentor.. I don't care.. huhu.. as long as I work as usual - and perhaps better everyday.. and Sister asked me just now whether I am interested to go to OR.. hell no.. I dont think OR is my place of interest. I rejected it straight away, and hoping that I am not the one who will be transferred to OR.
Around 8 pm tonight, I have to send patient to gynae ward to do scan. Whoever is going to get a uterus scan needs to go with full bladder, otherwise, it is impossible to get better picture of the uterus. My patient have been keeping her bladder from 6 pm, and I bet she have a VERY VERY full bladder.. pity her.. I am so much aware of the feelings need to PU very BADLY!~ like you'll beg till the end of your life as long as you can pass urine.. She waited for 10 minutes, then I asked the ward's nurse to call the MO and tell the MO that patient could not wait anymore.. Then the MO told me to reschedule the plan and send her most probably tomorrow because she have to attend other patient in HDU.. erkk.. without wasting anytime, my patient ran to the toilet. huhu.. and I know how she feels when she urinate in the toilet.. phewwwwww.... Pity her..
Don't you think the above cartoon strip tell us something?? :P
Today, I started back to work in my lovely ward.. Condition - same, except for some extra decorations here and there made by my new Sister. Not so hard to catch up with the ward even after 12 days of off days.. huhu.. Yeah, I'm that good.. hahaha.. (wth right? huhu)
Next month, few of our staff will not be able to be in the ward.. 2 of them expected to deliver a baby.. and my mentor is going to go for Gerontology post-basic - which left me no mentor in the ward.. maybe sister will replace her and give me new mentor.. I don't care.. huhu.. as long as I work as usual - and perhaps better everyday.. and Sister asked me just now whether I am interested to go to OR.. hell no.. I dont think OR is my place of interest. I rejected it straight away, and hoping that I am not the one who will be transferred to OR.
Around 8 pm tonight, I have to send patient to gynae ward to do scan. Whoever is going to get a uterus scan needs to go with full bladder, otherwise, it is impossible to get better picture of the uterus. My patient have been keeping her bladder from 6 pm, and I bet she have a VERY VERY full bladder.. pity her.. I am so much aware of the feelings need to PU very BADLY!~ like you'll beg till the end of your life as long as you can pass urine.. She waited for 10 minutes, then I asked the ward's nurse to call the MO and tell the MO that patient could not wait anymore.. Then the MO told me to reschedule the plan and send her most probably tomorrow because she have to attend other patient in HDU.. erkk.. without wasting anytime, my patient ran to the toilet. huhu.. and I know how she feels when she urinate in the toilet.. phewwwwww.... Pity her..
Don't you think the above cartoon strip tell us something?? :P
Thursday, 17 June 2010
Chapter ## : Updates..
ahh... it's been a long long long time since i update my blog.. nothing to confess actually.. time seems to go by really fast that sometimes i really feel like i have to stop the time in order to catch my another breath..
currently, I'm in Labuan.. yep, on holiday (which actually suck a little bit because of my personal confrontation) for about 10 days.. i've been here since last thursday, 10th june.. but this is only my 3rd day at home.. thursday morning, i finished my night shift and took the train to kl at 0930.. train arrived taiping station around 1000hrs and arrived in KL sentral at around 1530hrs.. had my lunch at foodcourt and bought some famous amos' chocolate chip pecan nut and continue my journey to KLIA via klia express.. and my flight is at 1845.. 2130, i'm in labuan already.. what a long journey from taiping to my own hometown.. hoh!~
the next day, i went to kk for holiday, and back to labuan on Sunday evening around 2230hrs.. had a rest for 1 day, then i went to brunei by ferry to have some dimsum and good food there.. dim sum was soooooo yummy and of course, the famous 'nasi katok' which only costs $1 to relieve the hunger in you. i slept at my cousin's place and really enjoyed his lovely daughter who kept us entertain with her own world..
i went back to labuan the next day and that night (which is actually last night), my sister told me that it is compulsory for us to go to my aunt's for my cousin's 'majlis berinai kecil-kecilan'. my cousin is getting married this friday and saturday.. heard that his wedding is like a grand wedding.. will update on that later, but no promise.. it turns out that it was not a majlis berinai, but it was a 'majlis berbedak' where relatives get to 'membedak' the groom (and since the bride-to-be was also there, include the bride then).. i get to 'membedak' my cousin (whom known as boboy since his birth took place).. the bedak is actually the lulur where those who wanted to get married used to do this to 'naikkan seri pengantin'.. it's in our tradition, but not my great concern.. heee... i get the chance to put the 'bedak' on boboy's face like a paintball.. hahaha.. gotcha boy!~
my work as a nurse getting better everyday i guess, and i hope it will be like that always.. my ward now have no isolation room and no first class - taken by the ICU.. so my ward is an open ward with 4 extension bed - and if there is an overflow of admission to my ward, we'll have more extension beds.. extended beds gave me big headache.. and it surely violates nightingale's principle of nursing of ventilation..
put aside the story of the ward, cuz i am already immune to this things already.. lets talk about my job as a u41 nurse.. u41 nurse still is not widely recognized in my beloved country, which makes me feels that i want to get out of this place a.s.a.p and work in a place that actually accept us with what we have.. but yeah, the more you run, the more problems you will create.. i just can't understand why such things happens.. from source that i trust, in a meeting with these matrons, some of them said they are actually threaten by us that one day we will take over their place.. like duh!!~~ isn't that a really childish, immature and damn lousy thinking that they actually possess and that sucks thoughts came from someone who is actually a matron????? either you get your status by cable or you actually don't really deserve being a matron but there is no one else can be so you have to be in reluctant, you still sux!~ what is wrong by possessing a degree in your hand and you are paid with what you are supposed to get? do you actually think we wanted to have your seat when we are just starting to get some experience in our own work?
so, what should we do?
i realized that not all of my friends having this kind of trouble, but trouble seems to be everywhere.. there are matrons and nurses who supported us, but there are matrons and nurses who still condemning us for what we are supposed to have.. why was that??? it seems like they do not want this profession to move forward and achieve full professional status like other country already had.. what the hell happened to my fellow malaysian???? is the orthodox thinking will be with them till they die??? or in other words, do we need to wait until the day u die than you will understand? sometimes, i felt very sad and very mad with those who are not supporting us, but when i think it over and over again, i can't go on carrying this feeling.. feeling of a loser, cuz i am not a loser.. i have to build my strength everyday before i go to work, pretending everything will be okay.. but what about my friends? my juniors who will be with us in nick of time? will they be as strong as me and my other friends? 3 years and a half not seem to be that long to me..
great.. that's all bout my job..
i did mention regarding my personal confrontation before, right.. yeah, i do have personal conflict right now.. i don't know whose to be blame, but it's just what i felt inside - i mean - deep in my heart.. sometimes i felt that i did a lot to please people, but in the end, i did not get the same pleasure of pleasing people.. i hate silence cuz like what pink said, silence will kill you, and yes, silence killing me.. i have a mental disorder called paranoid and yeah i admit that.. i have bad thoughts all over me when my life is covered with silence., that's why, i am loud, because my loudness saves me from committing suicide. my bad thoughts will linger in my head..
i am a person with a very big ego labeled above my head.. but i have been keeping aside my ego for such a long time considering that my love will banish my ego just like that.. but i keep on getting and have to handle people's egoistic a lot more every single day.. is it my fault again??
i'm just a lady, and a lady needs attention and affection... oh yeah, i'm not like other lady, so i dont deserve that. thanks.
hmm... :(
currently, I'm in Labuan.. yep, on holiday (which actually suck a little bit because of my personal confrontation) for about 10 days.. i've been here since last thursday, 10th june.. but this is only my 3rd day at home.. thursday morning, i finished my night shift and took the train to kl at 0930.. train arrived taiping station around 1000hrs and arrived in KL sentral at around 1530hrs.. had my lunch at foodcourt and bought some famous amos' chocolate chip pecan nut and continue my journey to KLIA via klia express.. and my flight is at 1845.. 2130, i'm in labuan already.. what a long journey from taiping to my own hometown.. hoh!~
the next day, i went to kk for holiday, and back to labuan on Sunday evening around 2230hrs.. had a rest for 1 day, then i went to brunei by ferry to have some dimsum and good food there.. dim sum was soooooo yummy and of course, the famous 'nasi katok' which only costs $1 to relieve the hunger in you. i slept at my cousin's place and really enjoyed his lovely daughter who kept us entertain with her own world..
i went back to labuan the next day and that night (which is actually last night), my sister told me that it is compulsory for us to go to my aunt's for my cousin's 'majlis berinai kecil-kecilan'. my cousin is getting married this friday and saturday.. heard that his wedding is like a grand wedding.. will update on that later, but no promise.. it turns out that it was not a majlis berinai, but it was a 'majlis berbedak' where relatives get to 'membedak' the groom (and since the bride-to-be was also there, include the bride then).. i get to 'membedak' my cousin (whom known as boboy since his birth took place).. the bedak is actually the lulur where those who wanted to get married used to do this to 'naikkan seri pengantin'.. it's in our tradition, but not my great concern.. heee... i get the chance to put the 'bedak' on boboy's face like a paintball.. hahaha.. gotcha boy!~
my work as a nurse getting better everyday i guess, and i hope it will be like that always.. my ward now have no isolation room and no first class - taken by the ICU.. so my ward is an open ward with 4 extension bed - and if there is an overflow of admission to my ward, we'll have more extension beds.. extended beds gave me big headache.. and it surely violates nightingale's principle of nursing of ventilation..
put aside the story of the ward, cuz i am already immune to this things already.. lets talk about my job as a u41 nurse.. u41 nurse still is not widely recognized in my beloved country, which makes me feels that i want to get out of this place a.s.a.p and work in a place that actually accept us with what we have.. but yeah, the more you run, the more problems you will create.. i just can't understand why such things happens.. from source that i trust, in a meeting with these matrons, some of them said they are actually threaten by us that one day we will take over their place.. like duh!!~~ isn't that a really childish, immature and damn lousy thinking that they actually possess and that sucks thoughts came from someone who is actually a matron????? either you get your status by cable or you actually don't really deserve being a matron but there is no one else can be so you have to be in reluctant, you still sux!~ what is wrong by possessing a degree in your hand and you are paid with what you are supposed to get? do you actually think we wanted to have your seat when we are just starting to get some experience in our own work?
so, what should we do?
i realized that not all of my friends having this kind of trouble, but trouble seems to be everywhere.. there are matrons and nurses who supported us, but there are matrons and nurses who still condemning us for what we are supposed to have.. why was that??? it seems like they do not want this profession to move forward and achieve full professional status like other country already had.. what the hell happened to my fellow malaysian???? is the orthodox thinking will be with them till they die??? or in other words, do we need to wait until the day u die than you will understand? sometimes, i felt very sad and very mad with those who are not supporting us, but when i think it over and over again, i can't go on carrying this feeling.. feeling of a loser, cuz i am not a loser.. i have to build my strength everyday before i go to work, pretending everything will be okay.. but what about my friends? my juniors who will be with us in nick of time? will they be as strong as me and my other friends? 3 years and a half not seem to be that long to me..
great.. that's all bout my job..
i did mention regarding my personal confrontation before, right.. yeah, i do have personal conflict right now.. i don't know whose to be blame, but it's just what i felt inside - i mean - deep in my heart.. sometimes i felt that i did a lot to please people, but in the end, i did not get the same pleasure of pleasing people.. i hate silence cuz like what pink said, silence will kill you, and yes, silence killing me.. i have a mental disorder called paranoid and yeah i admit that.. i have bad thoughts all over me when my life is covered with silence., that's why, i am loud, because my loudness saves me from committing suicide. my bad thoughts will linger in my head..
i am a person with a very big ego labeled above my head.. but i have been keeping aside my ego for such a long time considering that my love will banish my ego just like that.. but i keep on getting and have to handle people's egoistic a lot more every single day.. is it my fault again??
i'm just a lady, and a lady needs attention and affection... oh yeah, i'm not like other lady, so i dont deserve that. thanks.
hmm... :(
Monday, 19 April 2010
Chapter IX: Do You Think Suicide is EASY????
Having a suicidal thought, is very easy.. when you're down, depressed, or sometimes when you are hallucinating, hearing voices in your head telling you to kill yourself, and you'll reborn into a brand new person.. hoho!~ ok, that's what some people think of it.. but in reality, suicidal ACTION is, urmm, tremendously horrifying and so painful that you'll shout and scream and whatever in, of course, painful regrets..
Here are some things that could enlighten you regarding some of the suicidal actions that people might want to do.. -the fact behind suicide..~-
1. Try to cut your wrist and you'll bleed to death in smile...
Well, cutting your wrist won't the much.. in fact, when you cut your wrist, the first thing you'll find is the vein, then the artery.. what if you missed the artery??? the vein won't really caused you a lot of trouble because the blood won't be splashing and purging out like nobody's business.. and, IF you hit the artery, your blood will be splashing all over the places, WHILE you are STILL conscious.. you'll feel the pain that you never ever could imagine, because, hello - you ARE conscious.. at that moment probably all the bad things happened that make you down will play like a titanic movie in your head..
and because you lost a lot of blood, you'll started to feel lightheadedness and bam - you'll blacked out... OR if you are someone who are not good with blood, the first moment you see your own blood like a fountain from your own wrist - you'll go to sleep first..
Basically, this loss of blood won't give you a lot of trouble until you're dead.. but it depends... if you are lucky enough to have good hematological system, good platelet count and everything, you'll probably survive.. but if your blood is not good - better chance to end your life..
anyway, say, IF you are not lucky enough to be dead, and GOD wants to give you longer time to live, you'll wake up thinking you're in heaven... very bright, everything is white.. but when you see the partition, it will have different colours.. like my ward, the partition is green.. hell yeah, you are certainly NOT in heaven.. you and your ass are in the hospital!~and once you realize it, you'll feel rush of pain through your hands, and of course, if you are not lucky enough, you wont feel your hands at all, may be forever!~
you'll stay in hospital, police will come and ask you questions, and of course, you'll be referred to the shrink... and sometimes, you'll live in psychiatric ward.. hmmm... not good.. then people will look at you with mixed feelings, which sympathy is not part of the feelings they are feeling..
lastly, the recovery will be more hmmm... boring and painful... you'll need physiotherapist, occupational therapist, continuous meeting with psychiatrist.. and so on... and the scar which will remind you how stupid you were that time..
2. Hang yourself to death~
well, hanging yourself doesn't guarantee you any death.. here are the possibilities..
Possibility 1: you hang yourself, and it the rope went off
hmm.. you'll fall.. and ouch, it will hurt.. especially when the rope already snap your throat for quite sometimes and unfortunately, you fell.. hoho!~ that will hurt..
Possibility 2: you hang yourself, but the momentum isn't enough to snap your throat at 1 go.. hoho!~ (why am i laughing>??) anyway, the situation is like this - you successfully hang yourself, but it is not strong enough to make the make your cervical bone torn apart.. so, instead of going straight to hell, you might end up in hospital, most probably orthopedic ward or icu under orthopedic discipline.. you might miss the 1st and 2nd cervical, and instead, you crashed your 2nd and 3rd cervical, which could result in you to be paralyzed from neck to leg.. you will be bedridden your whole life, and you'll develop pressure sores at your back, and sometimes anywhere it want to be, and you'll be fed through tube, and you can't do anything!!~~ and perhaps, a machine is needed to help you breath!~ and you think you want to live again?? how would you want to do another suicide? you can;t even help yourself!!!!
3. Ingesting poisons/medications i.e paraquat, or panadol or whatever
hmm.. this one also will cause you pain!!!~~ pain that only you yourself will feel... you'll be crying and screaming for somebody to help you because the antidote they are giving, will make you puke like you want to puke out your intestines to your mouth!~ just imagine, when your stomach is empty, and you try to vomit.. it is so painful that you can never stand the spasms of your stomach and intestines.. and you have to drink CHARCOAL to clear out the toxic in your body.. can you imagine drinking the deep black charcoal???? ewwww....
well, there's a lot more to say about suicide and the consequences that you will face if you try something suicidal.. that is why i strongly believe in mental health.. everybody needs to know about mental health, and everybody should understand their own degree of health.. in overseas, we started to see that people already have their own shrink, and they goes to their shrink to tell anything and their problems.. but here in our country, mental health is still conservative and not really popular as stigmatization is still widely embedded in our fellow countrymen mind..
one article/research that i read (and i'm very sorry i forgot where i read it and who wrote it) stated that those living in developing countries and developed countries are very prone to have deteriorating mental health.. and, don't forget that our country is in that category...
and i truly believe that they are no one religion in this whole wide world who allow their believers to do suicide.. none... if GOD wants to take your life, HE will do it on HIS will, HIS decree, HIS time.. no matter how hard you try to kill yourself, if HE say not your time, you won't die.. seriously, no death is easy. even the Prophet Muhammad, who Allah have given Him the privilege of the most unpainful death anyone could never have, cried during the angels pull away his soul from his body and the Prophet could not imagine how will his ummat survive the painful death..
okay.. back to the story.. i feel like i want to have my own shrink.. to be able to tell anything and everything.. i think i found 1, but i dont know if he would like to be my shrink... but he's the only one i can think of.. hmm.. maybe i'll ask him one day if he would like to be my shrink.. hehehe..
anyway, don't think of suicide.. because if you fail, you'll definitely going to give problems troubles to a lot of people - primarily the nurses (ehem2... this is the point of the whole story.. hoho), the doctors ( not so much of the doctors actually), the patients near you (because they will have to listen to the sound of your puke, and scream of pain, and whatever), and your family.. (if your family still care about you, they'll be with you and gives you support, but what if your family abandon you?? you'll end up with another psychiatric problem..)
and I apologize to my mental health lecturer - Mr, Utharas for using the word 'psychiatric'.. heee...
anyway.. please.. have a healthy state of mind ya'll!~
:)
Here are some things that could enlighten you regarding some of the suicidal actions that people might want to do.. -the fact behind suicide..~-
1. Try to cut your wrist and you'll bleed to death in smile...
Well, cutting your wrist won't the much.. in fact, when you cut your wrist, the first thing you'll find is the vein, then the artery.. what if you missed the artery??? the vein won't really caused you a lot of trouble because the blood won't be splashing and purging out like nobody's business.. and, IF you hit the artery, your blood will be splashing all over the places, WHILE you are STILL conscious.. you'll feel the pain that you never ever could imagine, because, hello - you ARE conscious.. at that moment probably all the bad things happened that make you down will play like a titanic movie in your head..
and because you lost a lot of blood, you'll started to feel lightheadedness and bam - you'll blacked out... OR if you are someone who are not good with blood, the first moment you see your own blood like a fountain from your own wrist - you'll go to sleep first..
Basically, this loss of blood won't give you a lot of trouble until you're dead.. but it depends... if you are lucky enough to have good hematological system, good platelet count and everything, you'll probably survive.. but if your blood is not good - better chance to end your life..
anyway, say, IF you are not lucky enough to be dead, and GOD wants to give you longer time to live, you'll wake up thinking you're in heaven... very bright, everything is white.. but when you see the partition, it will have different colours.. like my ward, the partition is green.. hell yeah, you are certainly NOT in heaven.. you and your ass are in the hospital!~and once you realize it, you'll feel rush of pain through your hands, and of course, if you are not lucky enough, you wont feel your hands at all, may be forever!~
you'll stay in hospital, police will come and ask you questions, and of course, you'll be referred to the shrink... and sometimes, you'll live in psychiatric ward.. hmmm... not good.. then people will look at you with mixed feelings, which sympathy is not part of the feelings they are feeling..
lastly, the recovery will be more hmmm... boring and painful... you'll need physiotherapist, occupational therapist, continuous meeting with psychiatrist.. and so on... and the scar which will remind you how stupid you were that time..
2. Hang yourself to death~
well, hanging yourself doesn't guarantee you any death.. here are the possibilities..
Possibility 1: you hang yourself, and it the rope went off
hmm.. you'll fall.. and ouch, it will hurt.. especially when the rope already snap your throat for quite sometimes and unfortunately, you fell.. hoho!~ that will hurt..
Possibility 2: you hang yourself, but the momentum isn't enough to snap your throat at 1 go.. hoho!~ (why am i laughing>??) anyway, the situation is like this - you successfully hang yourself, but it is not strong enough to make the make your cervical bone torn apart.. so, instead of going straight to hell, you might end up in hospital, most probably orthopedic ward or icu under orthopedic discipline.. you might miss the 1st and 2nd cervical, and instead, you crashed your 2nd and 3rd cervical, which could result in you to be paralyzed from neck to leg.. you will be bedridden your whole life, and you'll develop pressure sores at your back, and sometimes anywhere it want to be, and you'll be fed through tube, and you can't do anything!!~~ and perhaps, a machine is needed to help you breath!~ and you think you want to live again?? how would you want to do another suicide? you can;t even help yourself!!!!
3. Ingesting poisons/medications i.e paraquat, or panadol or whatever
hmm.. this one also will cause you pain!!!~~ pain that only you yourself will feel... you'll be crying and screaming for somebody to help you because the antidote they are giving, will make you puke like you want to puke out your intestines to your mouth!~ just imagine, when your stomach is empty, and you try to vomit.. it is so painful that you can never stand the spasms of your stomach and intestines.. and you have to drink CHARCOAL to clear out the toxic in your body.. can you imagine drinking the deep black charcoal???? ewwww....
well, there's a lot more to say about suicide and the consequences that you will face if you try something suicidal.. that is why i strongly believe in mental health.. everybody needs to know about mental health, and everybody should understand their own degree of health.. in overseas, we started to see that people already have their own shrink, and they goes to their shrink to tell anything and their problems.. but here in our country, mental health is still conservative and not really popular as stigmatization is still widely embedded in our fellow countrymen mind..
one article/research that i read (and i'm very sorry i forgot where i read it and who wrote it) stated that those living in developing countries and developed countries are very prone to have deteriorating mental health.. and, don't forget that our country is in that category...
and i truly believe that they are no one religion in this whole wide world who allow their believers to do suicide.. none... if GOD wants to take your life, HE will do it on HIS will, HIS decree, HIS time.. no matter how hard you try to kill yourself, if HE say not your time, you won't die.. seriously, no death is easy. even the Prophet Muhammad, who Allah have given Him the privilege of the most unpainful death anyone could never have, cried during the angels pull away his soul from his body and the Prophet could not imagine how will his ummat survive the painful death..
okay.. back to the story.. i feel like i want to have my own shrink.. to be able to tell anything and everything.. i think i found 1, but i dont know if he would like to be my shrink... but he's the only one i can think of.. hmm.. maybe i'll ask him one day if he would like to be my shrink.. hehehe..
anyway, don't think of suicide.. because if you fail, you'll definitely going to give problems troubles to a lot of people - primarily the nurses (ehem2... this is the point of the whole story.. hoho), the doctors ( not so much of the doctors actually), the patients near you (because they will have to listen to the sound of your puke, and scream of pain, and whatever), and your family.. (if your family still care about you, they'll be with you and gives you support, but what if your family abandon you?? you'll end up with another psychiatric problem..)
and I apologize to my mental health lecturer - Mr, Utharas for using the word 'psychiatric'.. heee...
anyway.. please.. have a healthy state of mind ya'll!~
:)
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