Chapter ##: speechless..

I dont know...
What i know is i am really tired of sticking my life back to one piece..
now its my dream and my life holding me together..
Its super duper fragile..
i dont know how its going to end..
I dont know if we can hold it ny longer...
I waited, but i cannot expect others to wait...
I really dont know...
i long for a person... only one person...
And i love u..

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Chapter ##: final night in pangkor...

At last, the most anticipated day will come tomorrow... huhu.... tomorrow wil be my day of departure from this island... huhu... right now, is the closing ceremony dinner And they are handing the certificate and my turn was just seconds after i started posting this entry..

We had a table full of food... the smallest satay i've ever seen, unknown fish bakar, fried prawn, fried crab, Mmm... whatelse, oh, bbq chicken wing, sausages, pudding, fried rice, kuay tiaw and okay, i think i've forgotten alredy cuz i'm too full and bloated!!!

And after this will be some presentation here... my group will b presenting some dances and 2 songs... well, i officially withdraw myself from doing the dance routine which i dont think i can do it... over my dead body! huhu... nsbla... there is no obligation for me to dance in front everybody...

Anyway, tomorrow, before going back, i'm going to have exam for induksi khusus.. i really hope that i can pass this one... i made my decision not to bring any notes kot.. but GOd knows what wil happn tomorrow...

Till then... until next Time.... huuu...

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Chapter ## : A fortnight in pangkor...

Right now, i'M still in pangkor for the 12th day..and yes, living in a hotel for a course PLUS overflow food six time a day have successfully increase my weight back to normal... Thank you
induksi...dang... hoho..
Right now, i'm in the class, supposedly to listen to a
talk, but somehow this talk doesnt realy catch my attention..

O yes, i am actually writing this entry through my android... huhu... i downloaded ot this morning also from a boring
talk... n now, i can put an entry anytime as long as i have inTernet connection... oh how i love my xperia... heee.... thanks darl for this droid...

i have another 2 days here... hoooo.... i misses my aveo badly apart missing my darling.. huhu... And the house.. may God takes care of our properties while we were gone...

Anyway, wht else do i miss? O yeah, i miss 2 episodes of merlin, supernatural, nikita, naruto.... wawawa.... and i dont know if i'm back later, mh broadband still in use or maybe suspended... i decided not to bring my lappy cuz my luggage is already feels like bringing tonnes of Bricks instead of my clothes... i brought like 90% of my wardrobe... huuu...

Maybe i have to extend my part with my properties a little longer... mybe, if i sempat, i will straight go to bus station and go down to kl by bus... thats if my transport from lumut to taiping is ok and reache taiping before dawn... then i'll head down to kl...

O dear, i'm so tired now... i miss my darl so much oso... huhu...

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Chapter ## : Life, Hopes, Expectations...

It's almost the end of Ramadhan already... Eid preparation getting hotter and hotter everyday.. Well for me, no preparation.. Just thinking of my work everyday..

I have requested to have no off day from my sister so that I could have a longer holiday for Eid. But yeah, not that long.. I have plans already this holiday, but I dont know if this plan will come to reality.

It's in my head of what I would like to write here, but now I dont know why it just doesn't come out as what I thought before. I'm not really living a happy life this past few days. Loneliness makes it worse. Dammit. I tried to convince myself that this is my hormone's doing, but hormone or not, it really affect me in so many ways.

I understand that what we can do is plan, but the one's who make it happen or I called is as 'the adjustment bureau' is the Great Almighty.. I accepted it but still, sadness struck me like nobody's business. huuuu.... So for what had happen, I can't expect anything on my hopes anymore, because, Luck is not always with me.

For this raya, I've requested my night duty on 2nd day raya instead of the original roster. But now, I don't know whether it's worth it or not, but what's done is done. I couldn't readjust my roster again. Sister would kill me. So, I'll be working today (6th) until 13th without off day.. And I will only be able to go back home on the 15th and arrived night time. I don't know me coming back home this time would have some good thing happens or not, but I'll always pray for good one. If it doesn't, than I'll have to live with it anyway. I don't have any choice right..

Yesterday was my off day. I went out around 11 am and came back home at 6pm.. I went to brought my aveo for wash, polish, wax, and lacquer - and it's all for 200 bucks!~ whatever.. I'm numb when my feelings are not well.. Then I went to watch 2 movies back to back.. I was planning for 4 movies back to back, but I have to go and buy my train tickets (reluctantly) that costs me 106 bucks to and fro.. next I went to bank in 100 bucks for my sister who asked for her allowance, and 70 bucks for the fuel and what else? Oh, I planned to go to saloon for hair wash and some head massage, and maybe do a bit curl on my hair, but guess what, all the saloon were fullhouse.. dammit.. that took me 1 hour to go here and there seeking for a saloon. Sudahnya, I went to bazaar ramadhan and bought laksam (which is so sweet!!~~~ haiya..) wing panggang, nasi campur and my beloved watermelon juice. I've spent around 500 bucks for just one day.. Like I said, I'm numb...

So I came back home, refreshing my facebook almost every minute.. bukak posa, and seriously, I felt so depressed plus with the loneliness. damn!~

And so, when he told me he had to transferred patient to somewhere else around 9 something, I turned off my laptop, turned off the light, and tried to sleep.. But it's only after 12 I could fell asleep.. :(

Today, I'm working pm shift and he would be working night shift.. another episode of less-near-to-zero communication.. How pathetic my life is....

It's easy to entertain people, but I can't entertain myself for even a minute. hmmmm.......

Chapter ## : Life ooo Life...

Right now, I'm lying on my bed, thinking of mostly everything about my life.. From I was a little girl until now.. The only thing that I can recall the most is about me breaking the rules just to get a taste of something that I never think of the consequences. Until I get a taste of my own 'tebiat', then as I grow older, I'll think mostly 2 or 3 steps ahead. I will always think of the consequences of my actions. I don't know, maybe God give me some good sense of feelings towards something. Sometimes, I am certainly, absolutely, and 100% sure with my thoughts, but sometimes, it's a blurry vision, which means, I have to try it to know for sure. Not saying that I have any special abilities or abilities to do premonitions or whatsoever, it's just feelings. People will say I'm very defensive, people will also say I'm very stubborn, or anything pertaining to it, but I could say no more. It's a feeling inside of me that keeps me moving everyday.

No songs for this posts because I have no songs in my head right now. So, if you feel a bit of silence, you can start your own media player or you can sing by yourself!~ ;p

I've mentioned in previous posts on how I love my job so much when it is full of adrenaline. But sadly, you wont be able to taste it everyday. Not everyday you'll have very ill and most likely to face death patient, right. So what will I do to keep myself moving everyday. I would be lying I tell you that I am always highly motivated when it comes to work. I admit, at times I feel very lazy to go out to work. It's not a patient-factor thingie, it something to do with the workload (again) and how you, as a nurse been poorly treated in our country. But because I've been into this field, and I chose to be one (which I thought I am destined to) and because I am trained that whatever I do, my 'niat' is because of Allah, and I am working for the patient's sake and thus, I am looking for something in return which is priceless to human being and only God is able to give me my prize...

So, sometimes, I withdrew blood from certain patients which has easy access. The other day, I took ABG or the arterial blood gases.. heee... I'm not so sure whether as a nurse in Malaysia, one is allowed to do so, but do I look like I care, right?? hee.. I've always wanted to try one. I've assisted few ABG by looking for the strongest pulse, and usually it work.. So this time, let me do one!~ Alhamdulillah, it worked!~ If ever I have the chance to do it again, then I'll definitely would try it again!~

I am still trying my very hard to manage the ward. It is so complicated sometimes with all the tickets, films, results, and everything which involve paper!~ seriously, I am not good with handling papers. Everything needs papers and management is like hell in this ward. Tendency of missing papers, films and forgetting to update this and that, especially patients appointments especially special imaging appointment is high!~ In ward management is one part of it, and upon discharge, they still have plans for those patients!~ and yes, you need to manage it as well. This is where the trickiest part comes.

If the plan is TCA n/c - then you need the opd letter to give to the patient and ask them to bring to the nearest clinic for the next follow up.

If the plan is TCA d/c - you need to set up date for this patient to come for DAYCARE follow up in our ward every Tuesday, depends on the date of appointment with certain things to review

If the plan is TCA MOPD / SOPD - then, you need to find out patient's problem, and find out the date for patients to go to clinic to see dr. I hate to do this because you need to despatch the opd card to the clinic, or whatever it is. This 2 places always gives troubles to us. What's the trouble??? Unspeakeable!~ HOh!~

Apart from the tca, drs will always wrote to review whatever they wanted to review, sometimes imaging, reporting, blood investigation, etc.. these documents are the ones that easily gone missing!~ I still cannot think on how I can help this ward to improve and become organized. As I said, I am not good with papers!~ These papers gives me real headache!~ If it is all computerized, I can easily sort it out, put it in designated folders and with that, I can easily find it back!~ Papers are only good for me in doing notes!~ That's all. How I wish to work in places that is not as complicated as this! Is this how a 'Hospital dengan Pakar' look like??? Nahh.. I dont think so right!~

Tomorrow will be my night shift, again. I've requested earlier cycle of night shift, because I've bought ticket to go back home after my night shift. And being granted. Thank you sister.

Life will not get easier everyday. It is full of ups and downs, and the only thing you can do is be strong!~

I am strong!~ Yeah!~

Chapter ## : Updating Myself

My entry this time is basically about glimpse of my life.. So the song would be a little bit sentimental.. Adapted from someone who really likes to listen to this song.. heee... \

* Click Play*



*Life*

my life has not change much lately. Going to work, going to bed, going around this small town.. just like that. I recently have rented a house outside with Linda.. Which makes my life a little bit different than usual.. No more hostel feelings.. but somehow, this house still in a big mess... i only manage to tidy up my room a little bit here and there because i seriously have no time to tidy up the whole house.
I've painted my room in lime green colour.. huhu.. fix my own wall fan... well.. just a simple job to do with the house.. not so hard for me.. i love hardcore!~ hoho!~ whatever...

Ramadan is here, and we are fasting again.. Alhamdulillah, the weather here is just nice.. rain in the afternoon, and sometimes it will be raining cats and dogs until the evening, which makes me not so tiring and not so dehydrated. I tend to get dehydrated easily lately. I'm not so sure why, but yeah, so far, I still can cope with it. The only problem is my lips become dry and chapped. And sometimes, it really hurts.. huhu..

Moving to my new house, means i can already cook anything I want. Yeah!~ I've cooked some dishes for buka puasa (or we called it as sungkai as well, obviously not in Peninsular) and I felt great eating those dishes.. The only thing is, it's just me, eating alone.. But itsok, one day, I will not be eating alone anymore.. But when that one day will be hoh???

*Work*

It's already been 7 months now after my official appointment as a nurse. Workload, hmm.. only God knows.. maybe because it's a government hospital, so this is what you need to be prepared of. Workload never decreases.. It will increase over time, and as medical breakthrough becomes more challenging everyday, so will the workload of a staff nurse. People might not realizing this, but everything will involve the staff nurses, whether you like it or not.

Some of them still thinks that we are just another person that people around you can just point and give out order. But it seriously doesn't work with me. I reason with everybody and I challenge myself to reason for every single thing that I thought need to be reason. For things that I already know that I have to do, or logically I need to do.. I'll try to do it.. Sometimes, it's not that I don't want to do something, or delay it, but seriously, I can work up to 8 hours without even having a 2 minutes break. One day, you can see my popliteal veins coming out from miles away when I'm wearing a mini skirt above my knees.

But what I really cannot understand is, why do this people who are sitting higher than everyone else just could not accept the fact that workload of a staff nurse nowadays are ridiculously impossible? You can't even mention about shortage of nurses.. like duh.. it's a global issue for heaven's sake.. Are you seriously does not even updating your worldwide nurses issues?????

Whatever it is, I am planning NOT to stay in this hospital for a long time... I have my plan already... but only God's willing, it will come true.. but I'm praying hard for it.. huhu..

*Love*
Nothing much to say.. In love with him every single day.. : )

Chapter ## : A story after Night Shift

First: Click on the Media Player below..



Second : Continue Reading.. heee..

I finished my night shift this morning.. And last night was my first time writing death report of a patient.. Sort of mortality report..

She was a 30-year old woman, married.. First admission to ICU because of deteriorating GCS.. then she went to Hospital Raja Permaisuri Bainun to do MRI.. then readmitted to my ward.. on ventilator support via tracheostomy (in view of prolong intubation in previous ICU). Patient also developed MRSA as well as MRO during hospitalization. She was admitted to my ward because there was no bed available in ICU.. She was diagnosed as meningoencephalitis. they said she was conscious but still on ventilator support. She had skin breakdown at scalp - most probably due to prolonged bed-bound.. and stage 4 sacral sore.. which need to be debrided, and been debrided but not so much of a healing.. she was put on adrenaline due to decreasing blood pressure, but then bp not so much a problem for her after adrenaline.

Few days before, she had blood-stained and sometimes fresh blood on secretion via trachy, oral, and nasal. Hb became lower and lower. She received 4 pints of packed-cells. last hb was only 9.2. because of bleeding retrieved from suction, trachy was removed and ETT reinserted by GA. There was actually lots of bleeding from the site.

My first night shift, at around 5am, when i wanted to do suction, her SPO2 (oxygen saturation) decreased until 34%. I have to bag her to ensure nothing's wrong.. then the anesthetist adjusted her ventilator.. okla.. but no improvement on her secretion.

My third night - after taking her report, and the bed after hers, my colleague said she was bleeding from the tracheostomy wound.. so we attended her and bag her together with my HO and ICU's MO. everyone was concentrating on her pulmonary part.. I have a feeling that she's into asystole already. once we attached the cardiac monitoring - its true - asystole.. terus melompat MO tu buat cpr.. huhu.. skali ngn HO aku.. heee... aku pulak bagging la ngn my colleague doing the suctioning.. 3 rounds of adrenaline and atropine given, but yeah, it's her time to go..

thus, officially, my first death report in my career.. huu...

anyway, as usual, I love it when my job is filled with adrenaline at times (of course, not at all time.. )huhu...

*********************************************************************************

Chapter ##: Let's Sing Together

Never Knew I Needed (Ne Yo, 2010)

"Especially Dedicated to My H.H, Love You.."



for the way you changed my plans ;
for being the perfect distraction ;
for the way you took the idea that i have;
of everything that i wanted to have ;
and made me see there was something missing ;
for the ending of my first begin ;
and for the rare and unexpected friend ;
for the way you're something that i never choose ;
but at the same time something i don't wanna lose ;
and never wanna be without ever again

you're the best thing i never knew i needed
so when you were here i had no idea
you're the best thing i never knew i needed
so now it's so clear i need you here always

my accidental happily (ever after)
the way you smile and how you comfort me (with your laughter)
i must admit you were not a part of my book
but now if you open it up and take a look
you're the beginning and the end of every chapter

you're the best thing i never knew i needed
so when you were here i had no idea
you're the best thing i never knew i needed (that i needed)
so now it's so clear i need you here always

who knew that I could be here
so unexpectedly
undeniablely happy
said with you right here, right here next to me

:)

Chapter ## : Back to Taiping and Hospital...

Haaaa....
Today, I started back to work in my lovely ward.. Condition - same, except for some extra decorations here and there made by my new Sister. Not so hard to catch up with the ward even after 12 days of off days.. huhu.. Yeah, I'm that good.. hahaha.. (wth right? huhu)
Next month, few of our staff will not be able to be in the ward.. 2 of them expected to deliver a baby.. and my mentor is going to go for Gerontology post-basic - which left me no mentor in the ward.. maybe sister will replace her and give me new mentor.. I don't care.. huhu.. as long as I work as usual - and perhaps better everyday.. and Sister asked me just now whether I am interested to go to OR.. hell no.. I dont think OR is my place of interest. I rejected it straight away, and hoping that I am not the one who will be transferred to OR.

Around 8 pm tonight, I have to send patient to gynae ward to do scan. Whoever is going to get a uterus scan needs to go with full bladder, otherwise, it is impossible to get better picture of the uterus. My patient have been keeping her bladder from 6 pm, and I bet she have a VERY VERY full bladder.. pity her.. I am so much aware of the feelings need to PU very BADLY!~ like you'll beg till the end of your life as long as you can pass urine.. She waited for 10 minutes, then I asked the ward's nurse to call the MO and tell the MO that patient could not wait anymore.. Then the MO told me to reschedule the plan and send her most probably tomorrow because she have to attend other patient in HDU.. erkk.. without wasting anytime, my patient ran to the toilet. huhu.. and I know how she feels when she urinate in the toilet.. phewwwwww.... Pity her..





Don't you think the above cartoon strip tell us something?? :P

Chapter ## : Updates..

ahh... it's been a long long long time since i update my blog.. nothing to confess actually.. time seems to go by really fast that sometimes i really feel like i have to stop the time in order to catch my another breath..

currently, I'm in Labuan.. yep, on holiday (which actually suck a little bit because of my personal confrontation) for about 10 days.. i've been here since last thursday, 10th june.. but this is only my 3rd day at home.. thursday morning, i finished my night shift and took the train to kl at 0930.. train arrived taiping station around 1000hrs and arrived in KL sentral at around 1530hrs.. had my lunch at foodcourt and bought some famous amos' chocolate chip pecan nut and continue my journey to KLIA via klia express.. and my flight is at 1845.. 2130, i'm in labuan already.. what a long journey from taiping to my own hometown.. hoh!~

the next day, i went to kk for holiday, and back to labuan on Sunday evening around 2230hrs.. had a rest for 1 day, then i went to brunei by ferry to have some dimsum and good food there.. dim sum was soooooo yummy and of course, the famous 'nasi katok' which only costs $1 to relieve the hunger in you. i slept at my cousin's place and really enjoyed his lovely daughter who kept us entertain with her own world..

i went back to labuan the next day and that night (which is actually last night), my sister told me that it is compulsory for us to go to my aunt's for my cousin's 'majlis berinai kecil-kecilan'. my cousin is getting married this friday and saturday.. heard that his wedding is like a grand wedding.. will update on that later, but no promise.. it turns out that it was not a majlis berinai, but it was a 'majlis berbedak' where relatives get to 'membedak' the groom (and since the bride-to-be was also there, include the bride then).. i get to 'membedak' my cousin (whom known as boboy since his birth took place).. the bedak is actually the lulur where those who wanted to get married used to do this to 'naikkan seri pengantin'.. it's in our tradition, but not my great concern.. heee... i get the chance to put the 'bedak' on boboy's face like a paintball.. hahaha.. gotcha boy!~

my work as a nurse getting better everyday i guess, and i hope it will be like that always.. my ward now have no isolation room and no first class - taken by the ICU.. so my ward is an open ward with 4 extension bed - and if there is an overflow of admission to my ward, we'll have more extension beds.. extended beds gave me big headache.. and it surely violates nightingale's principle of nursing of ventilation..

put aside the story of the ward, cuz i am already immune to this things already.. lets talk about my job as a u41 nurse.. u41 nurse still is not widely recognized in my beloved country, which makes me feels that i want to get out of this place a.s.a.p and work in a place that actually accept us with what we have.. but yeah, the more you run, the more problems you will create.. i just can't understand why such things happens.. from source that i trust, in a meeting with these matrons, some of them said they are actually threaten by us that one day we will take over their place.. like duh!!~~ isn't that a really childish, immature and damn lousy thinking that they actually possess and that sucks thoughts came from someone who is actually a matron????? either you get your status by cable or you actually don't really deserve being a matron but there is no one else can be so you have to be in reluctant, you still sux!~ what is wrong by possessing a degree in your hand and you are paid with what you are supposed to get? do you actually think we wanted to have your seat when we are just starting to get some experience in our own work?

so, what should we do?

i realized that not all of my friends having this kind of trouble, but trouble seems to be everywhere.. there are matrons and nurses who supported us, but there are matrons and nurses who still condemning us for what we are supposed to have.. why was that??? it seems like they do not want this profession to move forward and achieve full professional status like other country already had.. what the hell happened to my fellow malaysian???? is the orthodox thinking will be with them till they die??? or in other words, do we need to wait until the day u die than you will understand? sometimes, i felt very sad and very mad with those who are not supporting us, but when i think it over and over again, i can't go on carrying this feeling.. feeling of a loser, cuz i am not a loser.. i have to build my strength everyday before i go to work, pretending everything will be okay.. but what about my friends? my juniors who will be with us in nick of time? will they be as strong as me and my other friends? 3 years and a half not seem to be that long to me..

great.. that's all bout my job..

i did mention regarding my personal confrontation before, right.. yeah, i do have personal conflict right now.. i don't know whose to be blame, but it's just what i felt inside - i mean - deep in my heart.. sometimes i felt that i did a lot to please people, but in the end, i did not get the same pleasure of pleasing people.. i hate silence cuz like what pink said, silence will kill you, and yes, silence killing me.. i have a mental disorder called paranoid and yeah i admit that.. i have bad thoughts all over me when my life is covered with silence., that's why, i am loud, because my loudness saves me from committing suicide. my bad thoughts will linger in my head..

i am a person with a very big ego labeled above my head.. but i have been keeping aside my ego for such a long time considering that my love will banish my ego just like that.. but i keep on getting and have to handle people's egoistic a lot more every single day.. is it my fault again??

i'm just a lady, and a lady needs attention and affection... oh yeah, i'm not like other lady, so i dont deserve that. thanks.

hmm... :(

Chapter IX: Do You Think Suicide is EASY????

Having a suicidal thought, is very easy.. when you're down, depressed, or sometimes when you are hallucinating, hearing voices in your head telling you to kill yourself, and you'll reborn into a brand new person.. hoho!~ ok, that's what some people think of it.. but in reality, suicidal ACTION is, urmm, tremendously horrifying and so painful that you'll shout and scream and whatever in, of course, painful regrets..

Here are some things that could enlighten you regarding some of the suicidal actions that people might want to do.. -the fact behind suicide..~-

1. Try to cut your wrist and you'll bleed to death in smile...
Well, cutting your wrist won't the much.. in fact, when you cut your wrist, the first thing you'll find is the vein, then the artery.. what if you missed the artery??? the vein won't really caused you a lot of trouble because the blood won't be splashing and purging out like nobody's business.. and, IF you hit the artery, your blood will be splashing all over the places, WHILE you are STILL conscious.. you'll feel the pain that you never ever could imagine, because, hello - you ARE conscious.. at that moment probably all the bad things happened that make you down will play like a titanic movie in your head..
and because you lost a lot of blood, you'll started to feel lightheadedness and bam - you'll blacked out... OR if you are someone who are not good with blood, the first moment you see your own blood like a fountain from your own wrist - you'll go to sleep first..
Basically, this loss of blood won't give you a lot of trouble until you're dead.. but it depends... if you are lucky enough to have good hematological system, good platelet count and everything, you'll probably survive.. but if your blood is not good - better chance to end your life..
anyway, say, IF you are not lucky enough to be dead, and GOD wants to give you longer time to live, you'll wake up thinking you're in heaven... very bright, everything is white.. but when you see the partition, it will have different colours.. like my ward, the partition is green.. hell yeah, you are certainly NOT in heaven.. you and your ass are in the hospital!~and once you realize it, you'll feel rush of pain through your hands, and of course, if you are not lucky enough, you wont feel your hands at all, may be forever!~
you'll stay in hospital, police will come and ask you questions, and of course, you'll be referred to the shrink... and sometimes, you'll live in psychiatric ward.. hmmm... not good.. then people will look at you with mixed feelings, which sympathy is not part of the feelings they are feeling..
lastly, the recovery will be more hmmm... boring and painful... you'll need physiotherapist, occupational therapist, continuous meeting with psychiatrist.. and so on... and the scar which will remind you how stupid you were that time..

2. Hang yourself to death~
well, hanging yourself doesn't guarantee you any death.. here are the possibilities..
Possibility 1: you hang yourself, and it the rope went off
hmm.. you'll fall.. and ouch, it will hurt.. especially when the rope already snap your throat for quite sometimes and unfortunately, you fell.. hoho!~ that will hurt..
Possibility 2: you hang yourself, but the momentum isn't enough to snap your throat at 1 go.. hoho!~ (why am i laughing>??) anyway, the situation is like this - you successfully hang yourself, but it is not strong enough to make the make your cervical bone torn apart.. so, instead of going straight to hell, you might end up in hospital, most probably orthopedic ward or icu under orthopedic discipline.. you might miss the 1st and 2nd cervical, and instead, you crashed your 2nd and 3rd cervical, which could result in you to be paralyzed from neck to leg.. you will be bedridden your whole life, and you'll develop pressure sores at your back, and sometimes anywhere it want to be, and you'll be fed through tube, and you can't do anything!!~~ and perhaps, a machine is needed to help you breath!~ and you think you want to live again?? how would you want to do another suicide? you can;t even help yourself!!!!

3. Ingesting poisons/medications i.e paraquat, or panadol or whatever
hmm.. this one also will cause you pain!!!~~ pain that only you yourself will feel... you'll be crying and screaming for somebody to help you because the antidote they are giving, will make you puke like you want to puke out your intestines to your mouth!~ just imagine, when your stomach is empty, and you try to vomit.. it is so painful that you can never stand the spasms of your stomach and intestines.. and you have to drink CHARCOAL to clear out the toxic in your body.. can you imagine drinking the deep black charcoal???? ewwww....

well, there's a lot more to say about suicide and the consequences that you will face if you try something suicidal.. that is why i strongly believe in mental health.. everybody needs to know about mental health, and everybody should understand their own degree of health.. in overseas, we started to see that people already have their own shrink, and they goes to their shrink to tell anything and their problems.. but here in our country, mental health is still conservative and not really popular as stigmatization is still widely embedded in our fellow countrymen mind..
one article/research that i read (and i'm very sorry i forgot where i read it and who wrote it) stated that those living in developing countries and developed countries are very prone to have deteriorating mental health.. and, don't forget that our country is in that category...

and i truly believe that they are no one religion in this whole wide world who allow their believers to do suicide.. none... if GOD wants to take your life, HE will do it on HIS will, HIS decree, HIS time.. no matter how hard you try to kill yourself, if HE say not your time, you won't die.. seriously, no death is easy. even the Prophet Muhammad, who Allah have given Him the privilege of the most unpainful death anyone could never have, cried during the angels pull away his soul from his body and the Prophet could not imagine how will his ummat survive the painful death..

okay.. back to the story.. i feel like i want to have my own shrink.. to be able to tell anything and everything.. i think i found 1, but i dont know if he would like to be my shrink... but he's the only one i can think of.. hmm.. maybe i'll ask him one day if he would like to be my shrink.. hehehe..

anyway, don't think of suicide.. because if you fail, you'll definitely going to give problems troubles to a lot of people - primarily the nurses (ehem2... this is the point of the whole story.. hoho), the doctors ( not so much of the doctors actually), the patients near you (because they will have to listen to the sound of your puke, and scream of pain, and whatever), and your family.. (if your family still care about you, they'll be with you and gives you support, but what if your family abandon you?? you'll end up with another psychiatric problem..)

and I apologize to my mental health lecturer - Mr, Utharas for using the word 'psychiatric'.. heee...

anyway.. please.. have a healthy state of mind ya'll!~

:)

Chapter VIII : Hot!!~~ I CANT SLEEP!!~~~

after my last post, i am so not updating my life.. hoho!~

life here, as always.. nothing too entertaining except if you go out and entertain yourself...

when you live alone ( + the fact that your age is 'THE' age), you'll always feel like you wanna start your life by living with someone of your opposite sex so bad.. just to ease the 'loneliness' you're feeling.. it's true, but somehow it is only true to the extend of how sincere you are, right???

no doubt that you'll dream of life with someone of your opposite sex and picturing yourself doing everything together and bla bla bla.. but life will not always go as we like... so, whatever it is, all you need to do is to convince yourself that that time will surely come.. PATIENCE...

i'm saying so because, obviously i am feeling that way.. sometimes this loneliness makes you stress without you even knowing it.. you'll feel like it's your work, but when you think again with a clear mind, it's not the work that gives you all the stress.. sometimes it's when you are NOT working, that gives you all that crappy feeling inside..

this is also true IF you are so used to a situation where you always have friends and your boy/girlfriend around you at all time.. or perhaps, whenever you need them/him/her. so whenever this kind of feelings getting into my head, i'll start my kembara and go somewhere - restaurant, tesco, giant, or wherever that have air-condition in it.. to cool me down.. hoho!~

you can't rush something very important rite.. rushing can give you the best thing of your life, or the worst thing of your life.. even if life is a gamble, but you can't always gamble with rush unless you are trained to do it and you've live with it... but for thing that you wish to do only once in your life, you don't need to rush, rite.. when the time comes, just make sure you'll smile till your whole face lifted as if your using botox.. hehehe....

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taiping is VERY hot!!~~~ hoh!~
this is my 3rd time having my shower because i can't sleep extra hours!!~~~~
GOD!!~~
I'll be starting night shift tonight, and I don't think i have enough sleep!!~~~
this last few days, patients overflowed in the ward like nobody business.. casualty can't help their fingers but to continue dialing my ward number to admit cases.. *duh*
we had 5 extension beds, and the hallway was 'decorated' with patients... this obviously have violated Nightingale's nursing theory!!~~ Patient did not have good ventilation, bad bed and bedding, and so on.. I really pity the patient who had to be in the extension bed.. no locker, no drip stand, no proper bed, no FAN!!~~~

and 2 days in a row, we were busy with CPR... the first one was on last sunday, when i was in charge of medication, i have to check patient's blood glucose, and this patient was already asystole!!!~~~ by the look of the limbs - which have already cyanosed, i am very sure that the patient had been dead for few minutes before someone actually realized that she's already dead!!~~ it was the ventilator that keeps her breathing without pulse.. damn who shut the cardiac monitor!!!~~~~ so, cpr- done.. but i already know that she could not be saved... -al-fatihah-

the next day, i didn't exactly know what was happening because i have to escort patient to hospital seberang jaya to do an urgent ct angiogram.. when i get back, the HO told me that he had to defib a patient because she went into pulseless VT!~ ergghhhh!!~~ i wish i was there.. hoho!~~~ but luckily patient was ok.. but i don't have any idea how was she doing after that.. but she had good prognosis...

then i was on holiday, which was yesterday... i was suppose to stay the whole night - as my training before i'm going to night shift tonight.. but i failed.. nothing to stay me awake.. i didn't go to popular to search for any novel... i finished every novel that i have here.. adoi!!~~ so i slept at around 1 am... then woke up at 6 am for my subuh.. and i could not sleep!!!~~~~ arrrghhhh!!!!~~~

i tried to sleep again at around 11 am, hoping that i'll wake up at 4/5pm.. but the moment i woke up, it was only 1230??? WTH??????!!!!~~~ and so the weather is hot!!~~ and i'm sweating and i could not go back to sleep.. errgghhh.... i went to giant, and came back to hostel and had my shower and yeah, still cant sleep (i'm blogging instead)!~

i'll try to sleep right after i finish this..hoping that i can sleep a little longer - enough to give me energy through the nite... i am also hoping and praying that the ward would not be 'partying' busy.. huhu... but whatever it is, i have to go through with it.. i have no choice for the time being.. huhu....

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and i'm so much in love...

:p

Chapter VII: not the best days..

the past few days, i felt an enormous emptiness surrounds me...
in fact, yeah.. until today..

:(

i feel pathetically hopeless...

no one i can turn to..

am i that bad???

but why??

my smiles are fake...

my laugh are even like completely fake...

i dont feel good...

:(

i feel like cursing - of course to myself - but i wanted to curse it out loud...

but it seems like it stuck in my head... which, giving me a hell of headache..

i hate the silence...

the quiet scares me cuz it screams the truth....

i tried to say something..

but in turn,

it still silence...

maybe silence is the answer..

so silence, i shall be...


:(

:(

:(

or perhaps...

i'm not good enough...

they said..

shoot for the moon, if u fail, u'll land among stars...

but i still hit the ground.. hard..

and it's awfully painful...

and i have to bear it all by myself..

in this stupid place..

Chapter VI: Nite Duty...

.. is the toughest for me.. huhu..
it's been a while, i know.. but i just can't get the right time to post something here..

last 3 days were my night duty... it was a challenge for me because i'm a person who actually SLEEPS AT NIGHT TIME.. when i don't get my NIGHT sleep, my head will be all over the places and my eyes started to see things in circular motion... it's like i'm having an episode of hypoglycemia, but i'm not.. sometimes i see things in black colour, but not enough to make me pass out (and i hope i wont pass out during my shift.. huhu)...

luckily, those 3 nights weren't that busy.. I thank you God for that.. i just could not imagine how I'll survive if the ward was busy.. huhu...

ON shift is all about census, 24-hrs report, indenting diet, updating all statistics, and looking after patients.. and only 2 staff nurses available.. huhu... you will not get any luck to have 3 staff nurses, unless the floating nurse come and help -if she is available to help your ward.. huhu..

i'll always manage to be fresh the whole night on the first night.. second night, i'll be very2 sleepy, and comes the 3rd night - this is the night where i feel like what i've described above.. seriously, I vomitted in the yellow bag.. and throw it in the yellow bin.. hahahahaa... but thank God, I manage to went through the night...

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by the way, before my night shift, i was on my HK.. and I was very2 happy.. huhu... my syg came to visit me here in taiping!!~~ huhu.. even though I am very2 sure that he stayed up till morning because he was busy playing his DOTA, he managed to come here.. and looked sleepy, yet urmm.. i shall describe as refreshing?? huhu...

i picked him up at the bus station, and hell yeah!!~~ if I was able to jump up and down and bersepah-sepah at that moment of time, I will do it.. but nah... my heart was jumping up and down and bersepah2.. hoho... i couldn't find any perfect word to describe that moment.. hihi..

we went to eat at mamak, and then we spent the time touring taiping town, watching movie (Book of ELI - which was ok, but the fact that i was watching movie with him made it somehow 'bearable'..) hehehe... then we ate at kenny rogers before i send him back to the bus station...

he have to go back already... huuu... :(

he said, that he will come again... heeee... and i am counting days everyday for him to come and visit... maybe i'll go to his, but we'll see...

but i really wish i can see him as frequent as possible.. but yeah,.. it's just a wish.....

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i'll be on long holiday starting today.. until sunday... huhu... my parents are coming to town and yeah, they wanted to go for jalan2.. let's go jalan2!!~~

happy holiday!!~~


p/s - miss u.... hmmm....

Chapter V : it's going to be easy...

Once u've sorted everything up....

hehehe...

it's been a while.. yes, i am aware... last couple of weeks, i have been sort of enjoying myself with my lovely kembara.. i went to the workshop to change the engine pulley - which have been causing pain in my eardrum ever since i came here.. huhu.. thank God that nothing happen with my Kembara on my journey to Taiping.. that pulley costs me RM245.. but itsok.. worth it..

then, the next day, on my HK day, i went to wash my dusty Kembara, that is the first carwash ever since i arrived a month ago.. hahaha.. and then, the best part was, i went to get my Kembara tinted!!~~~ yeay!~ now Kembara looks much more handsome than before.. (Kembara also got 2 nice cushion pillows worth RM5 each for the backseat.. hehehe) that tint cost me RM630.. yeah, i know ppl will say it is expensive, but hahaha.. i can afford that now.. if i'm buying something without any hesitation, that means, i can truly afford it... huhu.. so no worry... i also realize that some ppl will say that with that 630, u can buy a lot and lots of things.. yeah.. i know.. but i wanted to tint my car, and that time, i can afford it.. so no sweat.. for me 630 to tint my kembara is much more worth it than buying some pretty clothes for myself.. yeay!~

how can i afford those expenses??? hehehe.. thanks to my new job, i get my first salary early of this month.. hehehe.. one month plus half month salary.. hoho!!~ I dont think i could get that much of salary even after 4 months working at my previous place... hehehe.. nice huh.. hehehe...

Alhamdulillah, i am able to sort things out in the ward.. it's a bit easier now once you know the flow.. first time being in charge- i was horrible made me feel so bad if i'm in charge... but maybe because M.O and specialists didn't make any rounds for the past few days i was in charge, i was able to settle everything just in time.. kalau ada tertinggal sikit2 tu biasala.... and i am looking forward to face what will happen next time i'm in charge.. erkkk..

i was also damn horrible sort of unsorted when i was incharge for medication for the first time.. erkk.. too bad.. wawawa.. but then, the next day, i'm happy to get things right.. and missing only few things which is not so important yet important..

there will always be first time for everybody.. maybe sometimes, other people could not see this and will always expect that you will do the right thing for every single thing that you are doing.. i'm not going to say that nobody's perfect because that is how HUMAN being are supposed to be no matter what position u r holding.. I would rather say, everybody has their first times.. and first times will always be good even though you have mistakes done.. Living human being lives with experience and every experiences will come to you either in rights or wrongs.. that is why, the ability to THINK that GOD created us with, will lead us to a better person the next day IF you know how to THINK it right.. so, if people thinks that you sucks on your first time, do it right the next and use your higher order of brain functions to help you.. it's not for you to keep it until you die.. you'll rot!~ in a horrifying way mind could never imagine.. hoho!!~~

24th and 25th of February, i have to attend a course - Link Nurse course.. i heard about link nurse when i was in nursing school, but i never bother to find out what the hell is link nurse all about.. and that's when my ward Sister told me that i've to go for the course, i went to google what is link nurse.. well, link nurse is the infection control nurse.. and now i'm supposed to be one just because i attend this course, or i'm not?? urghh... my ward sister didnt tell me that i'm appointed as link nurse, so until there is a confirmation about it, i'm not my ward's link nurse until my superior told me.. hehehe.. fair, huh???

: )

Chapter IV: i'm 24!!!~~

another HK!!~~ hahaha.. well most of my blog will be posted only if i have HK of course.. huhu... other times i dont think i'm in the mood to post anything cuz i will obviously be tired and no strength to translate my thoughts into typed words.. hoho!~

last week, 2/2/2010, i was officially 24.... huhu.. so much so, i've been able to breath for 24 years in this globe.. thanks Allah for giving me such opportunity.. i am so sure that i am not that good to You, but i am hoping that i will improve myself as your servant.. i am praying for your guidance and mercy to give me all the strength and all the bless for me to live through my living years.. amin...

not much of a celebration for me.. i was in the ward on PM shift, and i went back at 11.30pm.. tiring of course. and in addition i was in-charge that day... adoi.. penat!!~~ huhu... i went back that late because admission came in almost the end of my shift.. hoho!~ and suddenly all disciplines were so interested to review her that night - medical, surgical and ortho.. in the end, i'm the one who suffers!!!~~ hahaha.. nice birthday treat for me.. huhu!~

not much things happened in the ward.. housemen were rotating their places and so do housemen in my ward.. new housemen coming in... talking about physicians, i seriously HATE those people who keeps on calling all the staff nurses 'kakak'.. damn i hate that!~ we have our own title for god sake.. and i'm not sorry for telling them off to not to call me kakak.. well, it sure was working for those who have been told off.. hahaha.. naseb ko la.. please la... would you like me to call you abg or kakak??? i'm sure you would not like that... where's your f----ng professionalism when you are so proud that u list yourself as professionals?? duh???

gees... i really cant wait for my juniors to join us.. hahaha.. just to make things merrier.... guys!~~ finish your study as soon as possible, and get to work here!!~~hahahaha!!~

Chapter III: Life is not that easy, yet it is not that hard...

another HK!!~~ time sure fly so fast that i meet my another HK after 6 days working.. huhu... yeah... right now, i suddenly realized that i did not blabbing and complaining about going for something official during weekends.. moreover, i have no idea that i AM working over the weekend.. hahaha... when i was a student, i am banning all weekend classes, weekend courses, weekend CLINICAL POSTING!~ hehehe... i'm the chief!~ hoho!~~

but everything sure is changing when i am working already.. hoho!~ surprise?? nope!~ i knew this would be happening.. that is why i complaint so freaking much over all weekends' official activities during my college.. i knew that what i would become would not have me spending much time over the weekends again.. i knew that what i would become would not allow me to be so overly free like what i used to be.. hoho!~ it depends on every individual though.. maybe some of u do not like to be like this... working in shift.. six days a week (except when you go for night duty, u'll have extra days of holidays which we called it as sleeping days.. hehe..) and yeah, your schedule would not be working in the days and 'clubbing' in the nights anymore...

but for me, it's ok.. this is what i am earning for.. this is what i have been destined to... like what the malay proverbs said - 'bersusah2 dulu, bersenang2 kemudian'.. hoho!~ seriously.. i am enjoying my profession day by day... enjoying in my context define as - i like being a nurse and i am thankful for this opportunity that GOD gave me in being a nurse~~ most of the patients i've met told me that it is not an easy thing to do what i am doing now.. *smile*

you will meet a lot of patients with, of course - a lot of characters... not only patients, even your colleagues and your superiors - well-- hmm.. everybodylah around you... you would be surprise on how your colleagues would act so nice and so good when they are with you but they are also able to talk few 'things' about you when you're not around.. and so this thing would go round and round with each and everyone of your colleagues.. (well, not to my surprise - ladies' mouth are so unbearable and so creative.... huhu..) the only thing that YOU - yes - yourself need to do is NEVER EVER JOIN THAT KIND OF CONVERSATION... huhu... all you can do is just smile as you always do, listen, and observe.. and yeah, SHUT UP!~ huhu.. remember that - be professional.. let them talk.. because for all you know, that people who are talking, will become the topic of conversation for other people.. huhu... when you are able to control yourself from this, insya Allah (GOd's willing) - you'll be able to control yourself when you're with your patients... did not understand? then pass... hoho!~

this week was quite calm in the ward.. number of patient was 10 - top.. tomorrow i'll start another week with PM shift, and i wonder how would that ward be.. but it's ok.. the ward is for patients.. when patient came in, accept them.. if you're ward is full and workload is like hell, it's ok.. keep on smiling and work like you mean it.. the more the patients in the ward, the more experience you''ll get (IF you work like you mean it!~ huhu).. and if you think that patient doesn't need to stay in the hospital anymore, let them go home..

that is why, life is not that easy, but yet, it is not that hard!!~~

= )


*darl, i miss u* ; p

Chapter II: Wow!~

after 5 days of divided, i straight away being put into shift on saturday and sunday!~

damn!~ that was 7 days of hell to me.. hihi..

it was a bit of working cultural shock to me i shall say... perhaps, not only to me, but to all of my fellow friends who have been working everywhere now... we were so used to patient-centered care facilities and until we were posted into government, it is NOT a patient-centered care type of nursing... hmm...

for me, i am not so happy with this not patient-centered care because this functional nursing doesn't do any good to the patient.. it;s like a robotic work... sad.. :(

i started my weekends working in the morning shift.. as runner.. tiredla!!!~~~~

as runner, i have to do all the sponging, bedmaking, taking vital signs, ensure all patients eaten, do all dressings, send patients to anywhere (if any), admission and discharge clerking... talking about discharge.. discharging patients is NOT that easy especially the billing part.. that billing part make me stupid for a little while... until i master the billing... hahaha...

i was worn out when i came back to my hostel.. huhu.. penat wooo... even though it was just a 26-bedded ward, with 18 patients (with equilibrium of admission and discharge) but the amount of workloads were like hell... hoho... ntahla.. maybe i'm still new and i have a lot to learn...

and today, i get my one-day off.. phew.... and tomorrow, i'll be on pm shift and serving medication... adoi.... this job might not be tough... hehehe.,..

there are lot of things that made me want to compare all the while when i was in hukm... but then, i realize that there is no need to compare, and i cannot compare both.. it's not that this type of nursing doesnt exists, the problem is functional nursing DO exists and it was my problem because i have never come across to it before... so right now, i have to restart again, and do my best to adapt with everything.. thanks to all the staff nurses in my ward who never regard me as an alien and really lending a helpful hand whenever i needed it...

however, i have to catch up fast and i cannot rely on their hands until forever...

go ckyn!~ u can do it!!~~~~~~~~~

Chapter I : IT'S HAPPENING!~

my last post was on 20th december 2009.. and now, almost a month, and my first post for new year.. i intentionally hold on to my thoughts, because I would like to start my first post of the year with some good (or might not be good) news to anyone reading this.. huhu...

i've started a new phase of my life on the 14th January 2010...
hmm... how should i transform all my thoughts into words...

my previous post, i did tell about the interview with spa... well, yeah, i succeeded the interview, and earlier this month, i knew where i will be posted to... i couldn't tell how my feelings were exactly... it was mixed feelings;- happy, sad, contented, excited, anxious, fear... everything was like all-in-1....

on the 13th, i officially quit from Masterskill... and on the 14th, i moved to taiping.. driving my kembara with my syg driving his saga@ferrari moving to kedah... huuu uuu uuu.... (hmmm.... :()

i arrived at jkn ipoh before afternoon... together with me is linda... then we went to see the matron... hmm... i met elina yasmin there too, and she was some kind of lectured by the director and co-director of jkn perak..
somethings which i was really pissed off by what meen have told me.. the perception of the director was very negative towards nurses who have degree.. very f----ing negative.. is that what a director supposed to be?? i might considered myself lucky to not to be brought by matron to see him,.. nasib baik..
state matron then locate both of us to taiping hospital.. so we went to taiping and reached there around 3 pm...
hmm.. the main problem for today was, we dont have uniform.. how should we know that we are supposed to report for duty wearing uniform? we dont even know the spec of kkm's uniform.. we know it was white, and tudung with blue lace... but how are we supposed to have that kind of uniform in such a short notice.. kkm pon takde gitau kene soh lapor diri with uniform.. haish..
the u42 matron was of course very surprised to see us, and we were surprised that she was surprised!~ ayo...

us- matron kami datang nak lapor diri untuk staff nurse
matron - sn?? mane uniform awak
us- minta maaf matron, kami takde uniform lagi.. kami tak tau pun kene lapor diri pakai uniform matron
matron - awak ni dari mana?
us - kami fresh graduate, dari ukm
(bg tunjuk surat tawaran)
matron - ape post basic awak?
us - kami takde post basic, kami fresh graduate
matron - awak buat basic kat mane?/
us - dari ukm
matron- awak buat diploma kat mane?
us- takde diploma, kami fresh grad...

bla222... then she asked us to go to admin office for registration.. in that office also, ppl started to feel weird because such post actually do exist!~ adoi... double punch in the face! i think i am already tired of explaining to people what do actually this post do..

'PEOPLE!!~~ LISTEN!!!~~~ SN U41 JOB PROSPECT IS JUST THE SAME AS OTHER SN... IT'S JUST BECAUSE I HAVE DEGREE ALREADY INSTEAD OF STARTING WITH A DIPLOMA IN MY HAND!~ OK!!~~ SO STOP FEELING IT'S WEIRD TO HAVE U41 SN!~ DONT WORRY, I WILL STILL COLLECT URINE, GIVING BEDPAN, GIVING URINAL, DO BEDMAKING, ETC ETC... OK!~'

after we settled with admin, we went back to matron.. and at last!~ the matron have smile on her face.. well, she's not that bad.. thank god i didn't make any 1st impression on her before.. well, biasala, she's ok, but strict and work-a-holic perhaps.. and the director of this hospital is a 'she'.. hmmm... no comment on her...huhu...

matron helped us to find a uniform, we borrowed a uniform from one of the sister (she was just being promoted) and naseb baek aku muat! aku gemok!~ hoho....

i was posted at medical ward (D2)... hmm.. i will start my divided work this monday.. that ward consists of only 24 bed... hmmm... i am very nervous actually... i haven't have the chance to know the ward staff yet, but i met one of the sister.. she was ok... but again, too early for first impression... huhu..

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hmmm....
when i knew i will be going to perak, i feel very sad already for other part of my life.. syg is going to kedah.. wawawawa...

it's so hard for me to adapt to a condition where i am so used to have him around me.. doing most of things together... and now, we are seperated by few hundred km...

i miss him already even before he left... hmmm...

:(